Free Play

The following quotes are from a book by Stephen Nachmanovitch (don't ask me how to say his name) called Free Play:

"For art to appear, we have to disappear"

"We have all observed the intense absorption of children in play, that wide-eyed concentration in which both the child and the world vanish, and there is only the play. Grown-ups involved in work they love also can experience such moments. It is possible to become what you are doing; these times come when pouf! - out you go, and there is only the work.... your sense of time stops. You feel alert and alive; effort becomes effortless. You lose yourself in your own voice, in the handling of your tools, in your feeling for the rules... you forget time and place and who you are. "

"Dancing is not getting up painlessly like a speck of dust blown around in the wind.
Dancing is when you rise above both worlds, tearing your heart to pieces, and giving up your soul.
Dance where you can break yourself to pieces and totally abandon your wordly passions.
Real men dance and whirl on the battlefield; they dance in their own blood.
When they give themselves up, they clap their hands;
When they leave behind the imperfections of the self, they dance.
Their minstrels play music from within; and whole oceans of passion foam on the crest of the waves."

"Not art for art's sake, but art for life's sake."

"The secret is to drop it - whatever it may be. This is not deprivation but enrichment. It is dropping off hope and fear and letting our much vaster, simpler, true self show through, letting ourselves be ambushed by the great Tao that moves forever throughout this world."

There are probably lots more quotes in that book that I love. I haven't read all of it. But I think everybody should read it, it has some amazing insights into life, not just the arts.
This is how I want to feel when I dance. How I used to feel when I danced. And Sarah, your comment has provoked a lot of thought. Its good thought. I think your right, I do just need a knew challenge. Now how do I make a challenge for myself. Maybe moving to California will be that challenge. But how do I challenge myself in the meantime? How do I get up every day and be happy to go to school and work really hard/go deeper every day into somthing that I love to do? What can I do to put depth into my life? Or maybe this new Challenge should be something else. Like trying something new. I dont know. I guess I will find out...

Decisons

I've decided I'm quite confused when people say that they don't think they are going to get through this, or they don't think they know how they are etc... I've said it too, lots of times. But, if you think about it, it doesn't make sense. Well, usually. Because unless its a life threatening situation, their gonna get through it. done. period. really. They will get through this rehearsal, or this test, or this something or another that is hard for them. Because they are not going to die because of that test, or rehearsal, or performance etc... so, they are going to get through it no matter what. And that's it. It's just how they get through it is what they are scared of. Of what I'm scared of. I've been thinking about that all day.

I have also decided that I absolutely love Elvis. Love him. A lot.

I've decided that I want to be a morning person.

I've decided that I want to be a clean person.

I've decided that I am going to make a list of questions to ask God when I get up there (inspired by Miss. Leek), a list of things to not do (like don't rinse of the pasta), a list of things to do , and a list of stuff that I forgot. As in I forgot the last list that I was going to make. If and when I remember, I will let you know.

I've decided that I am going to be a horrible mom because I am a horrible multi-tasker. I cant do ANYTHING (including but not limited to, eating pasta) and listen at the same time.

sunshine :)

Today is such a happy day! the sun was shining, I didnt wear my coat, I got my favorite ice cream, and the sun was out, I love sunshine! it was kinda wierd that today was good, because I had just about the hardest and longest rehearsal ever. it was crazy. My feet still hurt like crazy and so does my brain. Also, the music is stuck in my head. Still. My pointe shoes have holes in them. Seriously, they literally have holes that go straight through. I've never had that happen, and its really hard to dance on them. I dont think I was able to go up on them the last half hour of rehearsal today. Oh joyful. I think everybody had hit that brick wall by then though, so everybody was about as dead as I was.
I also found out today that my hostess for the pageant, Tiare, also thinks they read the results backwards. Or that might've been yesterday... She also thinks that maybe it could've had something to do with the swimsuit question that was asked during my interview. I've decided that I am really disapointed that I didnt win. I really wanted to. But, its ok because like Tiare also said, it happened for a reason. Obviously Heavenly Father didnt want me to win, and whatever he says goes no matter what so.... :) Tiare also said the night of the pageant, that He didnt want me to win becuase he has something else in mind for me this year. I really really really hope that she is right and it has something to do with my dancing. I really hope it has to do with my dancing. I feel like I am burning out. For about the last year and a half. I just keep pushing and pushing, but I dont feel like i've been going anywhere. I dont feel anything when I dance right now. Well most of the time. There are moment where I do, and I think it's those moments that have kept me going the last year or so. I just cant seem to put my soul into it anymore and I dont know why and it really frustrates me. A lot. I dont think I've ever been so frustrated in my life thus far. poop. I dont know what to do. But at least today was really good and happy!
I just played the Ukulele! Sarah started to teach me last sunday, and a bunch of people were playing at school, so my friends and I started to play with them. It was so much fun! hahahahaha, I really like it, its lots of fun. Today was so great!