Advice from Elder Busche :)

Details in the Fabric

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads
And breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm, then brace it
If it's a broken heart, then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
And stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything, everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
No reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
And know your name
And go your own way

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling? (Go your own way)

Are the details in the fabric (Hold your own, know your name)
Are the things that make you panic (Go your own way)
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?

Are the things that make you blow (Hold your own, know your name)
No reason go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault (Go your own way)
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold

definitions of jeni

I am so happy. I’ve been thinking about so many things lately I hope I remember them all.

First of all, I am so glad I am a dancer. Dance has taught me so many things about life, I don’t know what I would be right now if I hadn’t had dance. It has defined me in so many ways. I just had my concert this last week, and I have learned so much with the pieces that were in there. I feel like I have really bonded with the people I dance with, and we have really become an ensemble. While on the stage last week, I was thinking about how much I love this. There may be times that I really seriously wonder why in the world I do this to myself, but then those days like the last few weeks come and it makes it all worth it. I am reminded of why I love dance so much, and how much it has helped me to learn and grow as a person. Who else has the privilege of doing what they love and growing, learning, and being inspired, on a daily basis? Yes it’s hard, but that is what makes it worth it all. I am so grateful that I have a healthy body and mind that enables me to dance.

Second of all, my mom. I love her. She does so much for me and our family it’s crazy. And she does it while working two jobs. She’s crazy. Pretty sure that without her, our family would be literally fall apart because she holds us all together. When I am a mother, I hope I will be like her.  She has supported me, and been there for me, and held me when I cried, and cried with me, (ok, not just crying, but bawling my head off…) and was happy for me, and laughed with me, and had screaming contests with me, and talked with me, and gave me advice, and told me stories, and pushed me even when I didn’t appreciate it, and told me it was going to all work out, and it always does, and is still continuing to do all that, and most of all loved me. Loved me for who my crazy, weird self is. And I love her. She’s my best friend.

Third of all, music. Music can reach a part of me that nothing else but dance can. It can touch and inspire me to do anything.

Fourth of all, Sarah. My cousin has kept me sane this past year, and I am so grateful for her. I had a hard year, and she was there with me almost every day. I am really sad to know that in just a few weeks, she will be gone. I hope someday we will be able to be this close again. She has also defined me this last year.

Fifth of all, my beautiful friends, Morgan and Kylie. I love you guys so much! I thank God every day that he put you guys in my life. Where would I be without you? We know each other’s everything, we can tell each other all, and everyone needs friends like that. Ever since you have known me (can you believe it’s seven years?!) you have defined me. I am who I am because of you. hahahaha, because if you hadn’t been there and decided to take pity on me, I would probably still be the girl who reads books while walking and walks into the boys bathroom J

Sixth of all, my daddy. I love him too. He works so hard. He is the one that let me dance all growing up, because without his hard work I wouldn’t have been able to. He saw and recognized that dance wasn’t something that I could give up without having a broken heart and he is the one who worked hard to let me live my dream. I don’t thank him enough for it. He stays so calm when I’m not, and goes to the store just to get my favorite ice cream when I cry so hard I can’t talk, and comes to every one of my dance performances, and loves to do it, and when I come out after gives me that look that says, I’m so proud of you and I love you, and gives me father’s blessings when I need them, and helps me fix my mistakes, and in whatever I decide to do tells me it will work out and supports me with whatever it is, and takes me out to breakfast, and understands me, and carries me from my mom to the nursery in the hospital and won’t show me to anyone because I am all his, and gives me all the love a girl needs from her daddy. He has defined me my whole life. I love him so much.

There are so many other things that have defined me but I can’t write about them all. These are just six of the really, really, really big things that have throughout my life. I can’t write about the countless people who have smiled at me or made me laugh or been an angel for the Lord for me, but know that I am grateful and that I love you all. And these aren’t the only big things either, there are just so many that I will probably have to write another post about them J but these are things that I have been thinking about lately, so there you go.

school.

Just so this is all cleared up, it was not me who was the brillant author of that last post about depends. It all came out of Sarah's brain. :)

So I found out 20 minutes before my english class today that on monday I had gone to the wrong class. hahahaha it was great. So I had to walk into a different class today and had no idea what was going on. and then I had to send an embarrasing email to the teacher of my wrong class that I went to telling him to take me off of his email list. It was really quite hilarious.

I also had company auditions today. And wow I am SO out of shape its ridiculous. But apparently they all thought we had kept in shape all summer long. Thats what they told us when we went in to see if we made it or not. That was great too. I was laughing pretty hard :)

I had modern technique placement audtions yesterday. I found out what level I am on today. and I am kinda shocked a little bit. I signed up for tech 3. I was in tech 2 last year, so that would be the next logical step yo would think. anyway, they always hold placement auditions at the begining of the year, so this year I would either be in tech. 3 or 4. great. I wanted tech. 3, and thats really what I though would happen. I also wanted it because Monica teaches tech.3 this semester and I have never had her for a teacher and have heard how great she is all last year. I was so excited! sigh... but lo and behold I was placed in modern technique 4. WIERD. like I said I'm a bit shocked. I dont have the confidence in myself to think that I was that good. I still dont, sooo we'll see how this goes. I mean really. to be in tech 2, and then randomly jump to tech. 4? really? Oh, and also, for those of you who dont know tech 4 is the highest technique level at UVU. There are a few of us like that. But I really loved the class today. This class will push me so hard, and I am so excited for it now. We all worked hard today, and it was so great. Still not sure if I have the confidence for myself, but its kinda cool to know that the faculty thinks that I can do it. Its a good confidence booster. It was a bit intimidating since a lot of them are juniors and seniors and a bunch of them are graduating this year, but so good at the same time. This class will definitely push me to be a better dancer and a better person, so this will be good. :)

Thats it. I had a lot of things happen today. Its definitely been a full day, but it has been so good.
and as always, sorry if this didnt make sense. :)

it depends.

this is a post about depends. do all old ladies depend on depends? it depends. i guess if they depend on depends they better not depend on ever leaving the house. or maybe that is why they wear depends. so they can leave the house because they have depends to depend on. it depends. also who thought of the name  depends? it's not like those old ladies depend on their depends so much that you have to call them depends. and have you seen those depends for old men? that is so incredibly funny. depends for men. yuck. you know. one time i saw this old guy wearing depends. you know like on victoria's secret underwear where at the top it says victoria's secret? do depends say depends at the top? i wonder. oh well. it all depends.

will the weather be good tomorrow? it depends.
will i want to eat a hamburger? i would say it depends. but i never eat meat becuase i'm a little ballerina and meat is so gross.
did sarah write this post? it depends.

Vacation!!

I am now in Cedar City! yay! It has finally come! We (meaning me, Sarah, Morgan, and Kylie) have been planning this for over a month. oh I am so excited and happy to be here :) We will be heading to the shakespeare festival to see the Glass Menagerie tonight, continuing down to St. George tomorrow, and in the meantime we are just partin it up!

So you know how I had that date? actually I had two. My other one was Josh, my co-chair for the ward missionary council. yeah... hahahahaha it's pretty funny. They were both good. and thats all I will say... if you want to know more, I guess you'll just have to come talk to me :)

My Aunt and Uncle were here from California last week for a visit, and if you know my uncle Benson, you know he is a genius who knows everything about everything. It's great. Anyway, he gave both me and Sarah his dating wisdom. For 2 hours. hahahahaha! He told us that there are three questions you should ask the guy that you like and that you think you have the potential to get serious with. and I would tell you those three questions, but he said I cant tell anybody because they are just for his nieces and nephews. sorry everybody! :) I will tell you that it was pretty awesome though. I think for the most part they are really good questions. He believes that God is inside yourself, which I agree with to a point, but I also believe that there is an actual being named God out there helping us. So his questions didnt really allow God's help. Sorry if that dosent make sense. So my take on these three pieces of brillant wisdom: I like it for the most part. But I will take what I think are the best parts and use them and not worry about the rest. But really thats what we all do with all parts of life. Take what the good parts are according to us.

I was going to say something else, and I really cant remember so I will post again if I can think of what I was going to say. oh man! it was good too! hahaha, hopefully I remember :)

oh boy.

I'm sorry its been awhile, a lot has been happening in my life lately. I started school, still working lots, I did another pageant last friday, and just general running around crazyness. It's been really good. also. a guy asked me for my number. and we are going on a date on friday. ha. funny. its been how long since I have been on a date? needless to say this will be interesting on my part. I sense awkward situations coming... this is why the title. oh boy... I have a lot to talk about, so I apologize. This will be a long post. If you dont want to read it, thats totally fine with me, this is more for me to get out all of the many, crazy emotions that I've been having all at once for the past week. Its been draining, but also been good for me I think.
ok. so one thing at a time. I'll start with the pageant. I had fun, and I learned a ton. but. (but is such a sad word... just throwing that our there) I didnt go for it with all that I had. The performing stuff that night I was fine, and I had fun with that. It was the interview that I am not so happy with myself. I pretty much did everything wrong. Everything I was told not to do, I did. and I am really not happy with myself. I let my fears take over and control what I was doing and what I was saying. I was not happy. Here I was telling myself to just go for it, what have I got to lose, just do it with your whole soul no matter what. Because if I did that, then it wouldnt have mattered what the results were, I would have known that I had done my very best and I would have been happy. But I didnt. I didnt do my best and I didnt put it all out there, so I am extremly unsatisfied with myself. I really cant believe I let my fears take over. I dont even know a reason why. I dont think I have ever really done that before and it was a horrible experience. I knew what I was doing and in my head I was thinking, "what are you doing Jeni? why are you doing this? whats your problem? Whats happening?" But as I have ben thinking about it, maybe I needed to see what it was like to have my fears take over like that in order to learn from it.
ok. I will now tell you the wonderfully awkward story of how Dan the man got my number. He is in my institute class, and he starts talking to me one day about a week and a half ago. After class, he continues to talk to me, and walks with me and sarah out to my car. He says "we should hang out sometime" so I say, "yeah, sure. that would be fun." hahaha, we then start walking in our differnt directions, and he says something else but I dont know what it is. So I assume its just bye, or see you later, or some sort of variation thereof. So I say bye and preceed to walk away towards my car. He then runs after me and says "no, I said can I get your number? not bye..." oops. you can imagine my embarassment at this point. I felt so bad! hahaha, anyway he has been texting/calling me ever since. and we are going to lunch on friday. yeah... like I said, I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing so this will be quite the interesting experience.
Finals. I am going crazy. If I am this crazy with just two classes and all day to do homework, how in the world am I going to handle fall/spring semester?! yeah, I dont know either.
Now, this next thing is random, but I really need to get it off my chest. This whole past year and right now in my Orientation to Dance class, all my teachers (especially Amy) have been telling us, get sleep! get the right amount of sleep! go to bed! oh. my. goodness. how in the world do they expect us to do that exactly?! We are there at the school ALL DAY. seriously, I am there from at least 8-5. every single day. and then I go to work. and I work all night. and then when I get home, guess what? I still have homework to do! and I have to stay up until 1 or 2 to get it done. every night. and then I wake up at 6 ish and do it all over again. They keep telling us to get sleep or your body will burn out and you wont have the energy to get through your day of dancing. oh really? yes, I know all of that and I would absolutely love to get more sleep. Maybe then I would actually improve and progress as a dancer. Maybe I would actually enjoy class again. But I cant. there is no way possible for me to get sleep. great. sigh... thats all. I just wanted to get that off my chest. its been there for a while now.
I think that was it.. hopefully it wont be as long until I write again.

The Heart of Life

Its a beautiful day. I'm just loving every minute of it. The weather is amazing. Yesterday too. I just feel like that can make all the difference in the way your feeling that day. I have felt so much happier the last couple days because of it. It like I can breathe deeper. This is a song that epitomizes what I am feeling right now. I'm obsessed with it at the moment. Absolutely love it.

The Heart of Life -John Mayer

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good
Everybody has their own problems, worries, and concerns. Everybody has their days. and everybody feels inadequate at times. but its ok. we will all get through it. its all for our own benefit and everybody takes what they want out of it. Life is still good. It's still a beautiful thing that we are able to be here on the earth to go through all the of the pain and frustration and joy and beautifullness of it all.

I am happy.

moving on

I am so tired of dealing with people in my life. including myself. I would like to just make everything all better for everybody right now. really. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I just really don't know what to do at all. About everything. people, me, doing the right thing, figuring out what the right thing is, saying the right things, not feeling bad about everything, trying to love life as it comes, trying to be my best self, trying to give my family what they want from me, and trying to give myself what I want from me, dealing with issues and grumpyness, cleaning my room/bathroom, etc...
hmmmm, that's a long list. and now I feel like i am complaining too much. ok, not I feel, I know I am. I have a good life. I need to focus on the positive a lot more. I have so many flaws, and I think I focus a little too much on improving myself that I am annoyed with myself a lot, and don't get me wrong, that's great and I need to do that, but I also need to focus just a little bit more on the progress that I have made and the things that I have done good. not only bad. I mean, everything could be so much worse. I need to realize that everyday a little more.
I have been waiting for my life to start. I just keep telling myself that when this happens, or when I do this, then it will fun and dandy and its all gonna be great. but no. I need to stop waiting and just live. Just accept that this this is my life right now and love it. even if its not what I want at the moment. I will never be able to get back these moments of my life, so do I want to be able to look back on them and say, I really liked that time i my life, or wow, I need to learn how to be happy? I want to look back and be able to say that i did my best. maybe I wasn't perfect, but its ok, because I learned a lot and I was happy.

we are all dealing with people's mistakes everyday. that is just part of life. and everybody is making mistakes everyday. Everything we do is going to effect other people no matter what. So basically we all just need to suck it up and realize that this is ok. it is ok that we all make mistakes because that is how we all learn and we all do them. so, lets just deal with it and forgive each other and move on.

This is something I just saw on facebook that I really liked. my friend Emily had it as her status. actually there are a few quotes that I like/been thinking of right now, so here you go. :)

From Emily's status:
"To succeed you must first improve, to improve you must first practice, to practice you must first learn, and to learn you must first fail."

From Megan's status:
"Our doubts are traitors and cause us to lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt." ~William Shakespeare

From "Heal Over" by KT Tunstall:
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

From my ring :)
Love Life. Be Brave.

From "Dare you to Move" By Switchfoot:
Dare you to Move. (which by the way has a lot of meanings for me. which I will tell you about later. but not right now)

ok, that's all for today. I am also going to link this to facebook. hopefully that will be ok. I'm kinda scared to do so because who knows who will be reading this, and these are personal thoughts. but I want people to read them, to or I wouldn't link it or write them on the Internet. its just a little scary at the same time. So here it goes.
ok, now this really all for the moment. :)

blopspot

When I was at the temple this morning, there was an autistic? or something else of the sort, kid who when he got in to do baptisms, the first thing he did was to give the baptiser guy a hug. Then when he got dressed again, he ran back into the baptistery and gave the guy who puts the names under the projector thing the biggest hug ever. it was so cute, and made my whole day.
I am also very bored. I don't know what to do for the next 29 minutes of my life. 28 minutes of my life.

cry

Have you ever wanted to cry for absolutly no reason that you can think of? good. because thats how I feel right now. and I think that being a girl is very annoying. most of the time. Of course when I think of the alternative I'm pretty glad that I am a girl, it's just very annoying.
the end. that is all. thank you.

stuff.

I miss my sister.
Finals.
I have so many things that I want to do and that I need to do. and yet I don't do them. I am the worst procrastinator. seriously. I get so frustrated with myself. I'm a dancer, I should be highly motivated and a perfectionist. And I am. but only in some things, and not in others. Why is that? really. poop. I'm gonna change. Its just going to take lots of time.
Saturday was probably the most perfect day that I have had in a very long time. Not that all my days were bad, Saturday was just really really good. I went and performed for the senior capstone, then I came home and it smelled like german chocolate cake all over the house! yum :) Then I  went to my grandma's house for dinner. Which I haven't done in so long! It felt so good. I love grandma's house! and then Doctor Who which is always so much fun, and ate the german chocolate cake :) yep. It was a great day. I love my family.
Go look up Hallelujah by Paramore that was redone by Vitamin String Quartet. My friend is doing it for her music project, and showed it to me. I love it! its soooo good! I also love music.
I hope I do life well. I hope I can learn how to go for each day with everything I have. I need to. What is the point of each day and therefore life if you cant do that?

Conference

It's getting warmer and warmer, and I'm loving it. The winter has felt like forever! It feels like I am more relaxed and happy the warmer it gets. It's so wonderful!

General Conference was amazing and had some great insights! Here is a list of my favorites and some quotes/things I liked about them:

C. Scott Grow:
 His name is HILARIOUS! I laughed for so long when he was announced.

Lynn G. Robbins:
"To be or not to be?"
"What manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am"
To be and to do are inseparable - they reinforce and promote each other
To do without being, is being a hypocrite
"While He recognized the importance of do, the Savior identified be as a weightier matter"

Kent F. Richards:
“Through pain is our lessons of life that we were brought here to learn”
“Ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now, ye must grow more."
“The Savior is not a silent observer, he himself knows all pain.”

Henry B. Eyring:
“Strengthen your commitment to Act.”
“Seize the opportunity to give”

D. Todd Christsofferson:
“Attitude we need to adopt: Willing and maybe even seek correction”
“I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to do” (I really liked this oneJ)

Jeffery R. Holland:
“One way or another, God will have his voice heard.”
“God not only lives, but that he speaks"
“Bedlamites” I love this, it made me laugh J

Ok. I'm so sorry I haven't posted anything in so stinking long!! this post just took forever to write. I don't really know why. I just kept not finishing it...  I've had a busy couple of weeks. sorry!

Free Play

The following quotes are from a book by Stephen Nachmanovitch (don't ask me how to say his name) called Free Play:

"For art to appear, we have to disappear"

"We have all observed the intense absorption of children in play, that wide-eyed concentration in which both the child and the world vanish, and there is only the play. Grown-ups involved in work they love also can experience such moments. It is possible to become what you are doing; these times come when pouf! - out you go, and there is only the work.... your sense of time stops. You feel alert and alive; effort becomes effortless. You lose yourself in your own voice, in the handling of your tools, in your feeling for the rules... you forget time and place and who you are. "

"Dancing is not getting up painlessly like a speck of dust blown around in the wind.
Dancing is when you rise above both worlds, tearing your heart to pieces, and giving up your soul.
Dance where you can break yourself to pieces and totally abandon your wordly passions.
Real men dance and whirl on the battlefield; they dance in their own blood.
When they give themselves up, they clap their hands;
When they leave behind the imperfections of the self, they dance.
Their minstrels play music from within; and whole oceans of passion foam on the crest of the waves."

"Not art for art's sake, but art for life's sake."

"The secret is to drop it - whatever it may be. This is not deprivation but enrichment. It is dropping off hope and fear and letting our much vaster, simpler, true self show through, letting ourselves be ambushed by the great Tao that moves forever throughout this world."

There are probably lots more quotes in that book that I love. I haven't read all of it. But I think everybody should read it, it has some amazing insights into life, not just the arts.
This is how I want to feel when I dance. How I used to feel when I danced. And Sarah, your comment has provoked a lot of thought. Its good thought. I think your right, I do just need a knew challenge. Now how do I make a challenge for myself. Maybe moving to California will be that challenge. But how do I challenge myself in the meantime? How do I get up every day and be happy to go to school and work really hard/go deeper every day into somthing that I love to do? What can I do to put depth into my life? Or maybe this new Challenge should be something else. Like trying something new. I dont know. I guess I will find out...

Decisons

I've decided I'm quite confused when people say that they don't think they are going to get through this, or they don't think they know how they are etc... I've said it too, lots of times. But, if you think about it, it doesn't make sense. Well, usually. Because unless its a life threatening situation, their gonna get through it. done. period. really. They will get through this rehearsal, or this test, or this something or another that is hard for them. Because they are not going to die because of that test, or rehearsal, or performance etc... so, they are going to get through it no matter what. And that's it. It's just how they get through it is what they are scared of. Of what I'm scared of. I've been thinking about that all day.

I have also decided that I absolutely love Elvis. Love him. A lot.

I've decided that I want to be a morning person.

I've decided that I want to be a clean person.

I've decided that I am going to make a list of questions to ask God when I get up there (inspired by Miss. Leek), a list of things to not do (like don't rinse of the pasta), a list of things to do , and a list of stuff that I forgot. As in I forgot the last list that I was going to make. If and when I remember, I will let you know.

I've decided that I am going to be a horrible mom because I am a horrible multi-tasker. I cant do ANYTHING (including but not limited to, eating pasta) and listen at the same time.

sunshine :)

Today is such a happy day! the sun was shining, I didnt wear my coat, I got my favorite ice cream, and the sun was out, I love sunshine! it was kinda wierd that today was good, because I had just about the hardest and longest rehearsal ever. it was crazy. My feet still hurt like crazy and so does my brain. Also, the music is stuck in my head. Still. My pointe shoes have holes in them. Seriously, they literally have holes that go straight through. I've never had that happen, and its really hard to dance on them. I dont think I was able to go up on them the last half hour of rehearsal today. Oh joyful. I think everybody had hit that brick wall by then though, so everybody was about as dead as I was.
I also found out today that my hostess for the pageant, Tiare, also thinks they read the results backwards. Or that might've been yesterday... She also thinks that maybe it could've had something to do with the swimsuit question that was asked during my interview. I've decided that I am really disapointed that I didnt win. I really wanted to. But, its ok because like Tiare also said, it happened for a reason. Obviously Heavenly Father didnt want me to win, and whatever he says goes no matter what so.... :) Tiare also said the night of the pageant, that He didnt want me to win becuase he has something else in mind for me this year. I really really really hope that she is right and it has something to do with my dancing. I really hope it has to do with my dancing. I feel like I am burning out. For about the last year and a half. I just keep pushing and pushing, but I dont feel like i've been going anywhere. I dont feel anything when I dance right now. Well most of the time. There are moment where I do, and I think it's those moments that have kept me going the last year or so. I just cant seem to put my soul into it anymore and I dont know why and it really frustrates me. A lot. I dont think I've ever been so frustrated in my life thus far. poop. I dont know what to do. But at least today was really good and happy!
I just played the Ukulele! Sarah started to teach me last sunday, and a bunch of people were playing at school, so my friends and I started to play with them. It was so much fun! hahahahaha, I really like it, its lots of fun. Today was so great!